Kate Blassnitz
  • About
  • Counselling
  • EMDR
  • Resources
  • Blog
  • Contact
Feb 6 2015

I am in the clutches of the enemy…

Posted by Kate Blassnitz
Tweet

 

and the enemy is truly myself.  Gerald May, Addictions & Grace

I suggested this statement to a client and she said, oh so wisely, “ I don’t like that, means there’s a war inside me”.

“Yup, you are right, let’s find a way to negotiate some peace”, said I. And I thought, how would we integrate her wisdom, her “wise-ness”, with her distrust of her wisdom, of herself?

Most of us have, as Maslow called it, a “civil war” inside us. Gerald May called it “mixed motivations.” Brene Brown calls it “perfectionism”.

Or, if we move into the positive and our potential, Abraham Maslow calls it “self-actualization and integration”, Gerald May calls it “ grace” and Brene Brown calls it “wholehearted living”.

But HOW do we get from civil war, mixed motivations and perfectionism to self-actualization and integration, grace and wholehearted living?

Wish I had an easy, efficient and effective answer for that question! Ahhh, but wishing is a part of becoming more peaceful with being with myself. Wishes are about yearnings, and yearnings move us toward parts of ourselves that need attention. I digress, more about wishes and yearnings later. (wishes require action –note to self for next blog)

Each of us has the capability to move toward integration and wholeness – making peace with our selves. But we each have different capacities; from tiny to huge, for this capability of integration and wholeness – for this making peace with our selves. Our capacity to become integrated can either be supported and nurtured or diminished and demeaned by family, friends, culture and society. We are not alone.

Let me tell a story to demonstrate. Take the now classic “marshmallow study”. The study where young kids were put in a room with a marshmallow and told they would receive a reward if they waited before eating the marshmallow. The “results” of that study were that the children who exhibited traits of restraint, which is waiting before eating the marshmallow, fared better in life than those children whose impulse was to immediately eat the marshmallow. The tragedy of this study, and its longevity in the media, is the association that restraint is better than impulsive behaviours. For those of us who would have eaten the marshmallow, and absolutely I would have, and probably tried to sneak another one when no one was looking, the message is that impulsivity is bad. If that impulse is inside me, then I must be bad. And if that impulse is controlling me, then I’m really out of luck. So the child’s lack of restraint or impulsivity becomes how she is defined and who she is. It keeps getting worse!  Our culture, institutions and generally parents value adjustment to the environment as indicators of successful living. Now I’m really out of luck!  I’m supposed to follow the rules, not myself, or I won’t be successful.

What a tragi-comedy! A marshmallow changed the value of my life; the value of me. Ouch.  How do I learn to live with myself in this story? I try to control my impulses, separate them off, distract myself, deny I have this..this…demon impulse inside me – and now I am at war with myself. And there were years of my life I tried to pretend I would have been the child who, oh so proudly, did not eat the marshmallow! But that is not I; I would have eaten the marshmallow, and more than just one!

Fortunately I grew up in the country where an independent spirit was valued; with immigrant parents who knew successful living involved adventure and hard work; teachers who valued my impulsive spirit, named it curiosity and fed my curiosity; and friends who loved me, and allowed me to love them, for our craziness and caring. And there was a part of me that held onto “we’re all different and that’s ok”, and I believed.

You can eat a marshmallow now, later, or never. It’s how you are with who you are that matters. Celebrate who you are.                Marshmallow Girl

Posted on February 6th, 2015
Nov 12 2014

Too Busy to…Stop!

Posted by Kate Blassnitz
Tweet

Why would you stop and take a pause when you can keep dragging all that misery around with you? Sounds harsh? Not as harsh as what you might be doing to yourself.

 

Our body-mind connection is the engine that fuels us, and if you are keeping your body and mind continuously revved, look out. Either your body, think hypertension, rapid heart rate, sore back, neck; or your mind, think concentration and memory problems; and ultimately your spirit, think “there’s something wrong with me I can’t keep up, what is my problem?” will be affected.

 

Now you’re spending your energy defending against yourself, your inner dis-ease stress, not just external stressors. Your sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive, secreting adrenaline, cortisol, and sugars because it is on your side, it wants you to be safe; but it doesn’t know what and where the danger is. Blaming work overload, kids, the partner, the economy, yada,yada,yada puts you in a one down position, ie the victim. Unconsciously you’re sending messages to your system that there is danger, get prepared – but you are the danger! I’m not saying you don’t have overload from work and life obligations, but you do have the ability, and responsibility, to stop and pause.

 

Stress really does limit problem-solving abilities and the creation of positive relationships, and that creates more stressors, and now you are looping, going faster and faster to keep up with the new problems. STOP, PAUSE…

 

Take a moment and breathe from lower in your body, stretch those muscles that are tense, look at something that triggers a smile, listen to music that soothes your heart, say something kind to yourself or a colleague.

Make a list now of 3 things you choose to do that help you stop and pause. Rehearse and practice on a daily basis – help yourself to help your health.

You may have minimal control over external stressors, but you do have responsibility to manage your reactivity to stressors.

I could keep going on and on, but good enough, I’m going to stop now. Because this is what I would have missed if I didn’t take time to pause.

"paws"

“paws”

Posted on November 12th, 2014
Oct 10 2014

Who’s In Charge – You or Your Nervous System

Posted by Kate Blassnitz
Tweet

2 Woman looking out over the ocean

I watched my client lift his head, take a breath, look me in the eyes and revel in really embodying his statement.  “My thoughts about my boss are causing me more stress than my boss!”  I watched as he sat back in his chair, his shoulders lowered, his brow smoothed, and the corners of his mouth moved ever so slightly upward.  The “relaxation response” in action; Herbert Benson describes it as “a physical state of deep rest that changes the emotional and physical responses to stress.”

We’re going to create an experience of your “relaxation response” – because I’m all about experiencing and embodying.  If you don’ t know what being present or grounded feels like in your body, how will you know when you are or aren’t grounded?  Let’s get going and use the language of the nervous system, let’s talk to your nervous system.  Play along, if you want an experience of grounded, a calm yet alert state.  Unless we’re under attack, we do most of our best thinking in a calm and alert state.

Get comfortable in a chair, settle into the chair. – now do something that might make you even more comfortable.  A chair is best but I know some of you are are sitting on the floor or lying in bed – I see you Ryan, Max and Megan on the bed with your computers – whatever works best for you in this moment.  Ok, let’s refocus back to comfortable and settled.  Now do something that might make you even more comfortable and settled.  Notice your arms resting, your back and thighs supported.

1.  Bring your attention to your feet, firmly planted on the ground.  Or if you are lying in bed, really bring your attention to your feet.  Gently wiggle your toes, gently yet firmly push your heel and ball onto the floor – stretch each foot.  Feel the edges of your feet connected with the floor.  Bring your attention to your feet.

2.  Bring attention to your lower belly, just below the navel, and breathe in while inflating the lower belly, just like a balloon.  Pause and hold for a second or two, and then exhale while letting your lower belly move back to your spine.  Pause.

3.  Notice your feet again, wiggle toes or a little pressure downward on the soles of your feet, take another lower belly breath – and just scan your body.

4.  Now slowly move your shoulders up toward your ears, pause, take a breath in, and then exhale as you gently let your shoulders roll slightly back and down.  Let your shoulders sink down while your spine stays straight.

5.  Bring attention to your feet, maybe wiggle the toes or some gentle pressure downward and take another inhale and exhale, shoulders down and slightly back.  Not straining, just allowing the movements.

6.  Scan your body head to toes, what sensations do you notice?  Maybe some heaviness in the feet, or hip area; or perhaps some tingling; or how tight your neck is – if you notice tension somewhere, just stretch it out.  Pause and enjoy.

Life presents 100’s of opportunities to be irritated and distressed – you can let your nervous system lead you to a tense reaction, or you can help yourself to a calm and alert response.  Warning – it can be a slow acting drug; it takes repeated daily doses to deliver long-term results!  Practice, repeat, rehearse, have fun.

Kate

Posted on October 10th, 2014
Sep 17 2014

The Stress Advantage

Posted by Kate Blassnitz
Tweet

Stress, why all this talk about stress?  What is it anyhow?  Am I stressed?  Will stress kill me? All questions worthy of answers, which is what I’ll be doing in the next few weeks.  Giving you answers, not stressing you…I hope.

These ARE busy times we live in.  It can be challenging to keep up with the continuous changes and expectations.  Then there’s the need to practice mindfulness while rushing to pick up Ben at day care, and those trends, so is it cool to have man hair or not???, what, your 6 year old doesn’t have a career plan?  You’re not in a book club?  You don’t have the latest updates?

Ok, I’m having a little bit of fun here – and fun is a useful stress reducer.  We can’t always change the situation that’s stressing us, but finding something to laugh about that situation can change your perspective.  And sometimes all that we have control over is our perspective.  You know that sage piece of advice, “it’s better to laugh than cry”.  This week’s habit changer:  practice stopping yourself from going too far down that brain gully of worry, negative and critical thinking by finding some humour in your situation.  This is about finding lightness in the situation or yourself, key word is LIGHT.  Make a conscious practice of this at least once a day.  Share your “humour habit changers” with me and I’ll share them online.

Read on if you want to know why this works

Stress can be triggered by just about anything.  There’s external stress, such as workplace issues, personal life changes or physical environment like noise, lighting and ergonomics:  and internal stress, such as worry and fear.  Both of these trigger a physiological response in the body.  The mind and body perceive a threat, and whenever there is a perceived threat the body must respond.  Hans Selye, the stress research pioneer, defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand”. ( The Stress of Life, 1976)

So by consciously choosing to focus on the lighter aspect of a situation you are decreasing the mind’s and body’s perception of threat.  That helps your body to lessen it’s engagement with the flight-fight-freeze response.  I call this speaking the language of the nervous system.

Reflection

Peace

Why is stress is such a big deal?

Increased stress means you have less energy and attention available for other situations.  Your body’s on high alert to keep you safe from danger, it’s working overtime to keep you alert.  Just imagine how you’d feel after working  24 hours straight, that’s kind of what your body is doing.  By managing your stress, and learning to speak the language of the nervous system, you learn to become calm, increase your energy and pay attention to what brings you joy and reward.

Next time I’ll talk more about the language of the nervous system.

Posted on September 17th, 2014
Sep 10 2014

Feel Better – About your Life, your Relationships and Yourself

Posted by Kate Blassnitz
Tweet

Wish that you could have better relationships? Wish that you could be more calm? Wish that you could stop blocking your own success? Even though you have fun, wish you could feel happier?

All common concerns that I hear about. Recognizing that you want or need to make a change is the first step toward successfully making that happen. And I understand that you wouldn’t be on this website if you weren’t thinking of making a change – to think, feel and act differently.

Read on if you want to live your life well and fully, being the best YOU can be in life. I help people discover better health – physical, mental and emotional health.

Healthier ways of acting, thinking, and communicating. Healthier ways of being in relationships and getting what you want. Health is living YOUR life well and fully – it’s not just the absence of physical illness. It is feeling and thinking positively about who you are. It’s about having the relationships you want at home and at work.

Offering affordable, practical and skilled counselling is core to my approach. I believe all of us can use support, information and tools to learn to prevent, manage or modify behaviours, feelings and thoughts that hold us back. Just like physical health requires ongoing attention, so does our mental and emotional health. Recent research indicates that our mental and emotional can negatively impact our physical health.

Counselling isn’t about something being wrong with you. Counselling is about consciously choosing to update those old stories, thoughts, feelings and reactions – that’s usually past stuff. We value updating our cars, houses, clothes, vocabulary, music, foods, education, furniture, phones, hairstyles… I value, and know how, to help you update your coping style. It’s about bridging that gap between knowing how you want to be, and being that person.

Posted on September 10th, 2014

 

Recent Blog Posts

  • I am in the clutches of the enemy…
  • Too Busy to…Stop!
  • Who’s In Charge – You or Your Nervous System
  • The Stress Advantage
  • Feel Better – About your Life, your Relationships and Yourself

Past Blog Posts

  • February 2015
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014

Blog Post Topics

  • General
  • Mindfulness
  • Stress

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

 

  RSS Feed

Site Contents

About

Counselling

EMDR

Resources

Blog

Contact Kate

2nd Floor, 1500 Marine Dr

North Vancouver, B.C.

V7P 1T7, Canada

604-817-2693

kate @ kateblassnitz.ca

Site Design

Powered by WordPress

Theme by ThemeFuse

Customized by 2ndAvenue Consulting

Copyright

© 2022 Kate Blassnitz

All rights reserved